So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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