i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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