I faked an abortion last night.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
