there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
