just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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