i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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