I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
