So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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