I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
