Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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