sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
