My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Randomize