I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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