I love black thongs
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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