dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize