I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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