Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize