I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
