Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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