that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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