I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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