Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
