my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
