If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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