When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
