guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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