fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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