the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize