How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
