I have demons in me.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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