Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize