Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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