what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
