I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
