Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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