I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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