Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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