Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
