this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
