In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
