I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
