Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
