Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
cat food counts as protein by the way
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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