I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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