Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
