the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
