How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
