I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
This couple is walking their pig around campus
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
