benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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