checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
