there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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