I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Randomize
