My sheets look like a crime scene.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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