Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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