i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
