I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
