Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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