Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
