Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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