Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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