Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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