saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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