When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I am one with the molecules
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
