I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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