I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
